The art of navigating interpersonal conflict, the Metaverse, & more
Todays newsletter at a glance:
Using the Net Model to have success with interpersonal conflict
This weeks book-The Metaverse & How It Will Revolutionize Everything by Matthew Ball
Health Practice: An under-appreciated stress reduction practice
Conflict is useful because it often exposes the hidden underbelly of a situation.
But it’s also hard, and if you want to work through it in good faith, there are essential skills that will help you.
What I’ve observed over my years of working with people is that most (but not all) conflict is based on simple misunderstandings.
Getting to the bottom of these misunderstandings, to the deep needs of each party is the key.
Without that, you’ll be stuck at the surface level arguing about things that can never be resolved.
This is where a simple (but not easy) skill can work wonders.
In my work at Stanford Graduate School of Business facilitating T-groups one of the most useful frameworks we work with is called “The Net Model.”
The net model is especially useful and segues perfectly with the SBI model to create clear and proactive communication.
Let’s look at an example of when things go wrong and how, by using the net model you can more productively address any misunderstandings.
Many years ago a colleague of mine and I had decided to collaborate on a project.
We had designed a fairly detailed slide deck with all sorts of information and we had decided that he would present one portion of it, and I’d present the second half.
He went ahead and gave his portion of the presentation.
Now I’m a fairly experienced public speaker and I felt comfortable and confident as I began my portion of the presentation.
Occasionally, a member of the audience would ask a question.
As I would begin to answer, my colleague (let’s call him Martin), would immediately begin talking over me.
This continued several times to the point that I was equal parts furious and perplexed.
The story I was telling myself was that he had to be a complete social ignoramus or he had zero respect for me as an intelligent human being.
I was pissed.
But instead of confronting him with how I thought and felt about the situation, I told myself there was no way I wanted to be associated with someone who behaved like that and I ended the collaboration.
Now Martin is not stupid person.
He’s in fact, quite intelligent, creative and successful in business.
By ending the relationship, instead of having a conversation about the events that took place, I missed an opportunity not just for further collaboration, but also to clear the air.
After that hypothetical conversation, I still may have made the choice to end that part of the relationship, but it would have ended on a far cleaner note.
So how best might I have handled the situation and addressed the “elephant in the room?”
As one of fundamental building blocks of successful interpersonal communication the net framework is especially useful.
Here’s how it works.
Imagine for a moment that you and I are playing a game of tennis.
Each of us stays on our side of the net and hits the ball accordingly.
Imagine the ball is the exchange of words.
If you and I are at lagerheads about an issue it’s important that each of us stays on our side of the net when speaking.
Imagine that you can talk about what happens on the court on your side of the net, but not on my side of the net.
I, in turn, can talk about what’s true on my side of the net, but not what’s true on your side.
Take a look at the graphic below and we’ll do a deep dive into each aspect of the model. (graphic by Leslie Chen, PhD).
Your Reality
Your reality is about your experience of the situation.
It’s your intent and motivation and also your deeper needs, feelings and emotions.
How well you understand these deeper needs and feelings is dependent on your level of self awareness (another topic for another day).
A mistake that all of us have made from time to time is that our reality represents THE reality.
Obviously, this is not the case.
Shared Reality
These are the FACTS that can be agreed upon.
In this case facts are things that are plain for anyone to see like words used, tone and volume of voice and expressions or hand gestures.
When describing shared reality it’s important to check for any assumptive language that might attribute negative or even positive intent to a situation.
My Reality
My reality is my experience, reactions, feelings, past experiences and assumptions.
My reality is not yours, and yours is not mine.
But it’s important to understand that both my reality and your reality are each important.
Again, I need to understand that my reality is not THE reality.
Principles of the Net Model
Speak Inarguably
Don’t make attributions
Be transparent with your assumptions, thoughts and feelings
Check for intent and Inquire as to the other person’s reality.
Speak Inarguably
Speaking inarguably means that you say what is true for you.
Remember that what is true for you may or may not be true for the other person.
A Book I’m Currently Reading:
The Metaverse: And How It Will Revolutionize Everything by Matthew Ball
If you’ve been involved in or dabbled in the Crypto-sphere you are undoubtedly aware of the hype of the metaverse.
But what will it take for a persistent virtual reality experience to become a reality much like the holodeck from Star Trek, when will it happen and what will the impact be?
Ball explores these questions in depth, from the already early metaverses like Roblox and Minecraft (familiar to any parent of young children) to the very real technological bottlenecks to dystopian visions where billions of people will spend a majority of their lives plugged in to an artificial reality.
If you’re in the tech space, it’s definitely worth a read.
If not, I think you could let this one slide by for now.
An Under-Appreciated Stress Reduction Practice
I’m a big fan of the fundamentals.
Simply turning consciousness onto anything that might be uncomfortable can help us deeply relax and let go of tension we weren’t even aware we might be carrying around.
Try this practice, whether you feel stress or not and see what you find out.
Take a big deep breath and imagine your entire body relaxing on the exhale.
Do it again.
Notice your belly, your solar plexus and your chest.
Close your eyes and do a slow scan of the body from head to toe and notice where your attention is drawn.
If you find an uncomfortable sensation, slowly approach it.
Describe it in your mind (shape, color, texture, density).
Get curious about it and dive into the middle of it, without any judgement. Just see what’s there.
Ask the sensation if it has any information for you, and then listen.
Thank the sensation.
Take another deep breath and relax.
Now notice how you feel.
Until next time ;-)