Todays newsletter at a glance:
How to have Powerful Coaching Conversations with your employees and colleagues.
This weeks book-The Ministry for the Future by Kim Stanley Robinson
Leadership Practice: Using active listening for high level communication.
What passes for “coaching” at work are often simply critical opinions couched as “feedback.”
If you’re managing people this is not only ineffective, but runs the risk of alienating the very people (your direct reports) who are there to support you.
Fortunately, if you follow some simple guidelines, it can be relatively straightforward to have powerful coaching conversations that get the best out of your team.
I first started managing people at 22 years old and boy was I bad at it!
Since then I’ve coached some incredibly high performers from Air Force fighter pilots, to Olympians to numerous C-level leaders.
There are 3 key principles that I’ve distilled from all the mistakes I’ve made.
These simple guidelines will allow you to create powerful conversation after powerful conversation.
Principle number 1: Always Ask for Permission
Asking for permission creates safety and builds trust.
That way the person being coached becomes a willing participant.
We’ve all been on the receiving side of someone “giving us some good advice.”
I don’t know about you but there’s always a smarmy part of me that makes me want to punch the person in their arrogant face when I get offered “advice.”
I know…weird, right? lol.
The point is, don’t be that person.
Seeking permission looks like this:
“How would you feel if we had a conversation about this?”
“Would it be okay with you if I asked you a question about that?”
“Are you open to how that statement landed with me?”
“If the outcome of this conversation was extraordinary, what would that look like for you?
It works and in fact is essential in sales and could look like this:
“Would it be helpful to tell you about the benefits working together?”
Principle Number 2: Set Expectations
Setting expectations about the goal of the conversation not only builds trust, but allows the coachee to think big within safe constraints.
I like to set expectations about the time a conversation may take, the goal of the conversation and how we’re going to interact.
“Let’s block off an hour for this conversation. The goal is for you to get clarity and inspiration for your next steps. Is there anything else we should add?”
“Mandy I’m going to be completely honest with you and hide nothing. Can we both agree that we’re going to be honest with each other even if might be difficult?
“The goal of this conversation is for you to give me feedback as to how I can help you be a more effective IC (individual contributor).”
“Do you have anything you’d like to add to the agenda?”
Many people are intimidated by their bosses even if they don’t outwardly show it.
When you ask one of your reports to have a conversation with you they may have no idea why and might even be a little bit scared so setting expectations up front can help to put them at ease.
Principle Number 3: Don’t be an Expert
When you’re a domain expert whether it’s in digital marketing or youth soccer, there are general truths and best practices that may be foremost in your mind.
This type of expertise can cause you to make assumptions that can overshadow essential truths.
We see this sort of thing happen when businesses do things like embark on incredibly ineffective initiatives, all because some very basic assumptions were never questioned.
The classic example of this is when Coca-Cola in 1985 introduced “new coke” as their soft drink formula because consumers overwhelmingly preferred the sweeter flavor in taste tests.
However, the taste tests didn’t take into consideration that people may prefer a sip or two of a sweeter beverage, but when they’re drinking an entire bottle they preferred the original formula.
“New Coke” coke was a giant disaster and the original formula was reintroduced within three months.
This means when you’re coaching someone, the more you think you know, oftentimes the less both parties will get out of the conversation.
Instead ask all the dumb questions.
Let go of your agenda.
Coaching is not about you.
It’s about the person sitting across from you.
Really listen to understand.
An easy hack to make sure you understand someone is to repeat back what you think you are hearing.
“So what I hear you saying is that when you bring up problems to the product marketing team you often feel like they’re not really listening to what you’re saying. Do I have that right?”
Once you make sure you understand what someone is saying, don’t give unsolicited advice.
If the person is curious they’ll ask you.
If you do feel the need to intervene then introduce your advice as a question which is another version of asking for permission, the first principle.
“Would you like to explore how you might create a better relationship with product marketing?
It can be super tempting to chime in and offer advice or to fill the space, but often the most impactful thing you can do is to just be quiet.
It’s in the silence where the most magnificent insights and magic happens.
So you’ll want to prioritize space and silence over dialogue.
This Weeks Book
Ministry for the Future-Kim Stanley Robinson
If you know me, you know I’m a bit of climate-future nerd and Ministry for the Future does not disappoint.
Kim Stanley Robinson who has written numerous other great science fiction books put his pen to paper to illustrate one vision of how climate change might unfold.
Climate change issues imo will become more front and center in all of our lives over the coming years.
Any business that is not actively being proactive about the effects of climate on their business model risks being eliminated in one fell swoop by regulation, consumer preferences or the climate itself.
There are a couple of great things about the book that make it worth reading, especially for leaders.
The first is that Robinson gives us a future to consider that is both better and worse than we may imagine it.
Without spoiling it for you, the story takes place from about 2025 to 2050, so it’s within the realm of each or our lifetimes.
The second positive is that Robinson didn’t take much artistic license and stuck to the science of what is predicted.
If you’re concerned about the future of the planet, for your children and for you, this book is a must read.
Using Active Listening as a Leadership Practice
Active listening is a simple but powerful practice that you can institute today to become more powerful and effective in your communications.
Once you begin to use it consistently you’ll see an immediate increase in the quality and depth of connections you’re able to make with everyone from strangers to your closest intimates.
It works like this.
When someone is speaking to you, simply repeat back what you heard them say.
You can use their exact words or you can use your words to summarize.
If I say to you, “Hey I’m angry about the way that meeting went,” you simply say “I hear you saying you’re angry.”
That gives me a chance to further elaborate into whatever it is I’m talking about.
It doesn’t just work with negative statements either.
You can do the exact same thing if someone is speaking positively.
Plus, you don’t have to worry about messing up.
Because if you do mess up and someone says “actually I’m feeling more sad than angry,” then you’ve received more information about them that will bring you closer.
Then you can keep going with the active listening until the person you’re talking to is finished.
They’ll feel fully “seen” and you’ll have done them a great service by truly understanding what’s going on for them.
You can read a short detailed post I wrote about Active Listening here.